Searching
by crazeblue27
Summary: A one chp fanfic about Hikaru lost the fan and what he go through while searching for it and the importance of the fan to him. One-shot. Completed


A Close Shave

_Note: As you all know, Hikaru no go belongs to Hotta Yumi and Obata Takeshi. This fanfic is just based on my thoughts and if there is any similarity to other fanfics of hng, it is purely coincidental.

* * *

_

"Hikaru, you are going to be late!" His mother shouted from downstairs.

The alarm had woke him up ten minutes ago but being him, he went back to sleep, stealing some extra minutes of sleeping time. Now, his mother shout woke him up from his short moments of nap. Hikaru sighed and surrendered. He sat up, stretched his arms and feeling more energized now. He drew open the curtain, pushed open his window and took a deep breath of the fresh air outside.

Today, the sky is very blue and clear. The sun was shining brightly into his room, lighting it up and made the Go board which was in the middle of his room more noticeable.

Hikaru smiled.

The weather was perfect, spelling a new and fresh day. Maybe it was hinting that he would win his match today.

After doing the usual routine, Hikaru grabbed his bag beside his bed and went down for breakfast.

"Morning Okaasan," Hikaru greeted.

He grabbed two pieces of toast and hurried towards the door. "I'll be back for dinner," he informed and was out of the house in the next minute.

Mrs. Shindo shook her head resignedly, getting used to it. It was a common happening.

* * *

"Morning," Hikaru greeted Waya on the way to the Japanese Go Institute. 

"Wow!" Waya was amazed. "You are actually early for once."

Hikaru sulked. "Hey! I rush out of the house for your information."

"Oh, no wonder," Waya said understandingly.

"Excuse me," Hikaru protested indignantly.

"What's up?" Isumi voice was heard behind.

Waya explained the situation to him while they walked into the lift with Hikaru sulking. After checking who their opponent is, they entered the room. Hikaru put down his bag and was searching for the fan he always carried during his matches after Sai disappearance.

After a few minutes of searching, Hikaru froze.

He could not find the fan, much to his horror.

He searched more thoroughly this time but the result remained unchanged.

Hikaru began to recollect of what he did yesterday, where he last carried his fan. Yesterday, he was absolutely sure that the fan was still with him. He attended a Go festival at Kanagawa, teaching visitors Go until late afternoon. Then…

Just as Hikaru was running through what he did yesterday, Waya interrupted him.

"Shindo, wake up," Waya called, shaking his shoulder.

"Stop disturbing me," Shindo yelled and shoved his hands away.

Waya and Isumi stared at him, stunned.

Realizing what he had done, Hikaru apologized sincerely. "I've to go, sorry," and prepared to dash for the lift.

Luckily Waya stopped him on time. "Wait Shindo." Waya grabbed his arms and reminded, "Your match is starting soon. If you escape now, you will lose on default."

"I don't care. Let me go."

Hikaru was struggling out of Waya's grasp.

"Isumi, help me."

After much difficulty, they managed to drag him into the room and forced him to sit down at his assigned place. However, the moment the clock rang, signaling the start of the match, Shindo escaped, leaving his opponent staring at him, his eyes widened with shock.

Isumi and Waya wanted to stop him but they were in the middle of their match. Without any choice, they witnessed him left and thinking what so serious till Shindo was willing to earn a black star.

Shindo ran out of the Go Institute, breathing heavily.

* * *

"Shindo," Kurata waved at him excitedly. "I thought you have a match today?" 

"Sorry, I'm busy. Bye."

And ran off before Kurata could question further. He had no mood to answer anyone question today. Most importantly, he got to find his fan.

Now alone, Hikaru was able to recap what he did yesterday without any distraction. Yesterday, he attended a Go festival at Kanagawa, teaching visitors Go. Next, he went for lunch, eating at a ramen store and returned back to Tokyo for his matches. Then, he went to the Go Salon he patronized often during his Insei days, introduced by Isumi and Waya. By then, it was already evening, thus he returned home for dinner. He was dead tired, so after dinner, he went straight to bed after changing his clothes.

So, where did he lose the fan?

Sai….

After what seemed to be an eternity, Hikaru ruffled his hair frustratingly. He could not think at all with his mind in a mess. Morishita sensei was right, he could never let go. Never. So, he must find the fan, no matter what. The solution he thought of was to go to every place he been yesterday and started from scratch.

The first destination - Kanagawa.

* * *

The Go festival was filled with people from all ages, mostly were elderly though. However, the number of youngsters interested in Go had increased compared to the past few years which was a good sign for Japan's Go future. 

There are booths for Shidougo, selling of Go boards, selling of computers which also introduced the visitors to internet Go, some higher rank Pros teaching some Go techniques to interested audiences with the help of a big whiteboard, signing up for Go classes and participating in Go competition with other beginners. It was filled with events relating to Go.

"Shindo, why are you here?" One of the staff recognized him.

"Have you seen my fan?" Hikaru asked anxiously.

"Fan?" The person gave a look of confusion.

"Yes. It is purple in colour and has a string attached," Hikaru described. "And about this length," Hikaru supported it with action. Both of his hands were apart at an estimated distance which was equivalent to the estimated length of his hand.

The person was still confused. So, Hikaru asked for paper and pencil and drew it out.

"Sorry, I did not see your fan," the staff replied apologetically.

"Never mind," Hikaru smiled. "I'll find by myself."

He searched at the place where he was teaching Go yesterday, and then tried to recap where he walked and those possible places he could lose his fan. Sadly, it was futile. He still could not find the fan.

Next, he went to the ramen store.

He asked the cook there and searched around the place he sat for his lunch yesterday and still to no avail.

"Sorry for interrupting your business," Hikaru apologized sincerely, made a bow and left disappointedly.

* * *

Sai… 

Am I useless?

I could not even protect the last thing you passed to me. In his dream though.

He could still remember that time so clearly. It was after his match with Akira and when he returned home, he was so exhausted until the moment he touched the bed, he was dead asleep. It was then he dreamt of Sai. He told Sai everything that had been happening during his disappearance, his match against Akira, asked Sai why he disappeared, is it he did not want to play Go anymore and about Akira finding him in his Go. Then, before he left, Sai passed the fan he had been holding to him.

Hikaru saw one very similar to it during the break time of his match at the gifts shop in the Go Institute and bought it, in remembrance of Sai. To Hikaru, the fan represented Sai, represented his existence. Whatever match he attends, he will bring the fan without fail because by doing that, Hikaru feels as if Sai is beside him, watching his matches like what he did when he was alive, in his spirit form, where Hikaru could still see him, play with him and talk to him. Now, all he could have was Sai's presence, memories of those times spent together with him and the teaching of Sai which could be found in his Go. All these are the only evidences left that Sai live before, in his life though no one know that.

This brought him to the time when he was in the period of skipping his matches, in remorse over Sai sudden disappearance and clinging onto the hope that Sai would appear before him again if he stopped playing Go and was on the verge of giving up for life. He asked his history teacher about Sai but his teacher found no information about him and even suspected if such a person actually existed. That time, only he knew. Left him. If even he forgot about Sai, then Sai would really vanished forever.

Sai existed in his Go. Playing Go was the only way to feel connected to Sai and stopped himself from forgetting him. It was also to let the world know about Sai, showing them Sai's teaching, Sai's Go and that Sai exist. As long as he plays Go, Sai would not be forgotten.

Sai…

"Don't worry, I will find you this time, by hook or by crook. I'm not going to let you left me again," Hikaru swore to himself silently. He would never let history repeat itself.

Hikaru rubbed the tears, which was threatening to fall, away. He could not cry. Sai is somewhere, somewhere waiting for him.

Just then, he reached Tokyo. Getting up, Hikaru stood straight, as if trying to tell himself to be strong.

The third destination - The Go Institute.

* * *

What an idiot he was. He should search there first before leaving for Kanagawa and now, he got to return back there again. 

As he stepped into the Go Institute, he walked pass the shop where he bought the fan. There stood the same fan he bought from them almost a year ago. He walked towards the shop and touched the fan gently.

"Good afternoon mister, do you want this fan?" the salesperson at the counter greeted politely.

"No thanks. I'm just having a look." With that, Hikaru left the shop and began his search for his fan. Even buying exactly the same fan, from the same shop, it was still not the same fan that he lost. It is irreplaceable, no matter how alike it was. He only wanted the fan that he bought from there almost a year ago because it is special. It contains memories which could not be bought or replace with just another fan.

"Shindo, what happen to you today?" Waya voice was heard behind him. "You're acting very weird."

Shindo turned around, surprised to see them. "Didn't you two finish the matches today?"

"Yes. We have our lunch and suddenly decide to play a game together here," Isumi explained kindly.

"Shindo!" Waya called again and asked the questions he had been dying to ask since Hikaru abruptly left the Institute. "What happen to you today? Why do you abandon your match?"

"Waya, did you see my fan anywhere today?" Hikaru asked the same old question he had been repeating for many hours.

"Fan?" Isumi tilted his head to one side in puzzlement.

"Yea. The one I've always carried around."

"Because of that small minor thing, you are willing to give up a white star?" Waya exclaimed, astonished. "What the hell are you thinking Shindo Hikaru?" Waya shook Hikaru's shoulder vigorously, hoping to wake him up, trying to let some sense get into that thick head of his.

"It is very important to me!" Hikaru defended loudly. It is not minor at all. It is not! No one will understand him. No one because they did not went through what he did. Did they experience the feeling of losing a close one? Did they experience losing something that was last left by the close one that has gone? They would never understand what he went through today. The fan was not just any ordinary fan. It was the last thing Sai.

"So did you see?" Hikaru repeated, calmer this time.

"No." Waya answered obediently.

"Me too," Isumi replied.

"Thanks. I've lots of places to search, bye." And he waved them goodbye.

Waya and Isumi stared at each other, puzzled.

"Shindo is very weird today," Waya remarked.

Isumi nodded. "I guess tomorrow he will be okay."

"Hope so."

* * *

Hikaru was leaning against the vending machine, catching some breath. He gulped down the can of drink he bought not long ago from the machine, breathing heavily. Where are you Sai? He had searched from the first to the last level of the whole building, hunting every room possible and asking people he passed by for clues. However, no one saw it. The rooms were neat and tidy since there were no more matches. 

He was getting more and more anxious and worried as each minute passed.

What if he could not find the fan?

Hikaru shook his head vigorously. No, he has to be optimistic. There is still the Go Salon he not yet searched. Any glimmer of hope mean a chance, no matter how small and insignificant it was. He must not give up!

"Shindo!"

Hikaru sighed deeply. What luck he has today? So much for thinking that it was a lucky day for him in the morning. He lost the fan. Now, people kept on interrupting him.

"What is it Touya?" Hikaru asked, his voice expressing his tiredness.

"Why did you lose by default?" Touya interrogated, his eyes serious and stern. Today, he had

"I've something important," Hikaru said.

"What is it? Is it more important than attending a match?"

"Yes!" Hikaru answered without hesitation, his voice firm. "At least to me, it is."

"This is the final second preliminary round of the Kisei tittle match. If you won this, you are able to go to the third preliminary round!" Akira shouted, agitated. "And you give it up just like that?"

Today, after his Shidougo, he decided to come here to see Hikaru's match result despite being confident that Hikaru would win since it was on the way. He did not expect something shocking. Hikaru lost by default. He left in the middle of an important match. If not for his sudden decision, Akira believed he would not know about it until it was printed on the Weekly Go and maybe by then, it was too late. Also, he might not be able to know the reason behind it.

"Yes."

"And is it because of a fan?"

Hikaru froze. "You heard it just now?"

"Pure coincidence. I was finding you at that time and coincidentally, heard your conversation with them."

When he first heard it, he was startled beyond imagination. Out of so many reasons, he never expected it to be that. Just because he lost his fan. Things did not stop there. Hikaru response was even more suspicious. So, Akira waited patiently for him, waited until he explored enough, until he was tired and satisfied. By then, the chances of him running away during the conversation would be much lower.

"Then why do you still ask?" Hikaru questioned perplexedly.

"Because I want to make sure. Why is that fan so important to you till you willing to give up such an important match? Is it related to Sai?"

Akira's instinct told him it was Sai and the pain and forlorn look on Hikaru's face gave him the answer.

"When are you going to tell me the truth?" Akira asked. He still remembered what Hikaru promised him during their fourth match. How long has he been waiting already?

"The time is not right yet," Hikaru sighed.

"Then when is the right time?" Akira demanded.

"I don't know," Hikaru admitted honestly with subtle sign of helplessness. "All I can tell you is that without it, I won't be here today," Hikaru added solemnly.

Yes, without Sai, he would not learn about Go and became interested in it. He might be still struggling with his studies, finding his goal in life. Without Sai, he would not know Akira. Without Sai, he would not improve rapidly and be a professional player. Without him, Hikaru would not stand where he is now today.

"Okay, I will wait," Akira surrendered. "But you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"Don't break your word."

"Eh?" Hikaru was at a lost.

"Remember what you tell me last year?"

It took Hikaru less than a minute to recall and then he smiled knowingly. "Yes. How can I forget?"

"I'll never give up on Go," Hikaru swore.

Akira smiled in return. "So whether you find the fan or not, you have to attend tomorrow final first preliminary round for the Meijin Tournament and on the coming matches. Also, can't lose on default anymore."

"Okay. I promise," Hikaru answered after a few minutes of consideration.

Anyway, he would find it by today. He has to. He must.

His last destination - The Go Salon.

* * *

"Wow, you are actually here today after coming yesterday?" Kawai exclaimed in amazement and shuffled Hikaru's hair like always. "So are you coming tomorrow?" 

After that summer vacation a few years ago, Hikaru seldom comes here but nowadays at least it is a little bit more frequent. He did visit at least once monthly, sometimes more if time allows.

"I'm here to ask you all something," Hikaru said anxiously.

"What is it?" The boss of the Go Salon asked.

He is a very nice guy and was the one that allowed him to play here for free. Hikaru likes him. In fact, he likes everyone in this Go Salon, even Kawai-san though he will always mess his hair first. They are very kind and friendly to him. The boss was the one that helped him to sharpen his skills in counting territory by asking him to create a tie before his pro exams. First, with one player, then two and increased as he was successful with each try. When it reached four people, Hikaru failed. He only managed to create three ties and the other one, lost by a moku. Now, he is able to create a tie with five people.

"Did u all see my fan?"

"The violet fan?" One of the regular here asked.

"Yes."

"Didn't you carry it with you?"

"But I can't find," Hikaru replied sadly, his head lowered down a little, not wanting the people to see the sadness in his eyes.

"Why don't you buy a new one?"

Kept his emotions under control, Hikaru lifted his head up, facing them and answered, "It is different. That fan has sentimental value, irreplaceable."

"So did any of you see the fan?" Hikaru questioned nervously, fidgeting his fingers a little.

This is his last hope.

Please, I hope someone will say he saw it.

Hikaru prayed silently and earnestly.

"No," they answered apologetically.

"But we will help you to find," the boss smiled assuredly.

Hikaru smiled gratefully at them. "Thank you."

"Why so formal?" Kawai-san patted his back forcefully and fervently, almost causing Hikaru to fall. "Just remember to come here more often and play Go with us."

The others all nodded vigorously, grinning broadly.

"Sure," Hikaru promised. He would never forget this.

* * *

"Hikaru, you're not eating?" Mrs. Shindo queried, seeing Hikaru went upstairs the moment he reached home. 

"I'm not hungry," Hikaru yelled back. "I'm going to bed."

Mrs. Shindo sighed helplessly. What happen to her son? After picking up Go, he did changed a lot. He matured and has a goal in life now. He is more serious now. However, sometimes he would behave weirdly, like today. She really missed the old Shindo, when he was more carefree and cheerful, unlike the times when he skipped those Go matches quite some time back. That time, he changed totally. No more the carefree and cheerful boy. He was more silent, his appetite dropped, went straight to bed the moment he reached home and always seemed to be in a daze, his mind floating somewhere else, as if waiting, pining for someone's return. A few months later, after the visit of one of his Go friend, he became much better and was back to the usual him with a slight difference but he attended his matches regularly.

A few months back, on that particular day, he was quieter than normal but when he returned home, he complained he was hungry and even finished two bowls of ramen. Now, he is behaving like that particular day. This was worrying. She hoped that he would not regain back to that quiet self.

In Hikaru's bedroom, Hikaru laid flat on his bed, his head facing the pillow with the support of his folded arms.

Sai…

Is that all?

Where are you?

Why do I have to lose you for the second time?

Who can tell me, what should I do to bring you back?

I could not protect even something minor, like your fan! Am I that useless? At the Hokuto's cup, I could not protect your honor and now, your belonging. Why am I so useless, so careless?

Hikaru hit the pillow with all his strength, venting out his anger, frustration at the futile attempt to find back his fan. For one whole day, he had been searching all possible places.

* * *

Flashback 

"We hope you are able to find your fan soon," Doumoto-san, one of the regular of the Go salon here too, said sincerely. He was the first person Hikaru played with during the team formation with Isumi and Waya. Doumoto-san and him were third board at that time.

"I'm sorry to trouble you all," Hikaru apologized politely.

"I say, don't have to be so formal," Kawai-san ruffled his hair again.

"I know, stop messing my hair," Hikaru pushed his hands away and Kawai-san commented, "Rude brat, is that how you treat someone who is older than you, especially after what I help you? Is that how you repay me?" And ruffled his hair again as a punishment.

"You are not the only one helping me," Hikaru retorted sulkily.

The others laugh.

"Exactly," Soga-san agreed. He was an old man, bald and smokes but when playing Go, he did not because the boss forbids him. It was fun playing Go with him. In fact, it was all of them. Playing with them able to relax his nerves greatly.

"How dare you talk back to me?" Kawai-san ruffled his hair again.

"Hey!" Hikaru protested.

Everyone in the Go Salon laughed heartily, seeing Hikaru trying to escape from Kawai-san clutches while Kawai-san lectured him on being respectful to him. It ended with Kawai-san and Hikaru playing a game of Go and then it was time for Hikaru to go home for dinner.

Flashback ended

* * *

Sai, I really miss you badly.

Are you going to be back?

I miss the old days when we play Go together everyday, you giving me lessons and then I will lose and throwing tantrums while you bug me to play another round, and another round. Then, sometimes I let you play Go with strangers like Kadowaki-san, who I assume we will never meet again. However, this time, if you come back, I will let you play Go until you are satisfied. I know Touya-sensei is still waiting for another game with you. Everyone is waiting, you know. Didn't you always want to play with them, especially Touya-sensei? If you are back, we can play net Go again and able to compete with a lot more pros all over the world. I will not care about any turbulence you will create anymore. I just want you to be back.

Sai.

Please.

Finally, he lost control of himself and cried his heart out, his hands beneath the pillow, hugging it tightly.

Where are you, Sai?

As if answering to his question, Hikaru felt something under the pillow. Hikaru stopped crying and felt it with his hands again. There is really something there. Something hard, flat and further down, he could feel something soft and fluffy, like a string.

The light of hope was burning in him.

Unwilling to believe, Hikaru slapped himself a few times and even pinched his arms. There is pain. Without wasting another second, Hikaru lifted the pillow away and there stood the thing he had been searching for. His fan. Sai.

Hikaru rubbed his eyes in disbelief, slowly and carefully touched the fan that lay at the bed, treating it like some treasure. He broke into a true smile for the first time today.

Sai.

Hikaru took the fan and hugged it close to him tightly. His heart felt much, much lighter.

You are back.

Hikaru stroke the fan gently, ensuring that it is real, not just a dream he had. Tears welled up in his eyes, this time because of happiness.

Does this mean you will return someday?

He hopes so.

Just then, he remembered something important. Yesterday, for some weird reason, he suddenly feels like carrying the fan everywhere he goes, has the strong need to feel Sai presence. Usually, he only brings it out during matches and after that will keep it in his bag, afraid that he will lose the fan. So, he brings the fan around. He remembered clearly that he left with the fan in his hand, even after he left the Go Salon yesterday. At night, he was dead tired so he was fast asleep the moment he reached his bed. He just threw his bag at one side and hid the fan beneath the pillow as he had no energy left to put it back into the bag.

Now then he remembered. Hikaru hit his forehead, chuckling happily.

At least, he found Sai back. Hikaru was relieved. Sai return to his side. One day, he will be back to a form where Hikaru could see him. He believes so. Hikaru gripped on the fan grew tighter. It seemed like years since he last held the fan.

Suddenly, he felt hungry.

"Okaasan, I'm starving. Can I have a bowl of ramen?" Hikaru shouted enthusiastically as he walked down the stairs.

Mrs. Shindo got a shock for a moment and then smiled softly, relieved that her son was back. "Sure."

Hikaru sat down on the chair, grinning broadly as the bowl of ramen was served in front of him. "Arigatou."

Tomorrow, after the match, he would bring Akira along to the Go Salon. They would be thrilled. Just the thought of Akira being surrounded by those people gave him the giggles. It would be a fun day tomorrow, right Sai?

* * *

Finally ended another fanfic. Hehe, what do you all think about it? Always wonder what would happen if Hikaru lost the fan he always carry and never saw any fanfics along that line, so decided to attempt one. Did you all enjoy it? 

Crazeblue27


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